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And the slide continues. This time around its the Corporate Weekly. What I am dazzled here is not with this particular loss, but with the never ending pattern of loosing. Of losing when I start belonging. Why this Kolaveri Di? If it has to go, than why does it have to come? If we have to detach, than why do we have to attach? And of course, here comes the ultimate question, if we have to die, why do we have to be part of all this Kolaveri Di?
See, it was a boarding school. I was part of this school for three years. It was all good. But than, one fine day after listening to month long rumors, a notice was given to me and others like me. The school was sold- ( cause it went bankrupt). I said no worries- I will find something like you. I moved on.
Next, it was an reputed INGO. God, the initial days were so sunny and so much energetic. I remember working for this organization in the scorching terai heat, that I accumulated dark pores on my face. But I worked, because I was looking for a long way ahead and as usual I didn’t have patience to work or act slowly. I felt like life is too short to safely remove USB. A year down the road. It came crashing down. After a lot of rumors, speculations- the notice did came. The INGO was hit by inflation and my office was shutting down. I was given a month’s prior notice. And the month did end, as scheduled and I was marooned. Once again.
So back to square one, after some time. I got another job and as usual, this one was also in a flash-interview. I was hired and again, as usual the speed and intensity paid off. I was promoted within two months. And that further accelerated my desire of not removing the USB safely- Impatient ever. Ten months down the road that included a lot of hang-outs around airport, in Thamel and once even in TU- at 3AM in morning. Me and my colleagues dashed off to TU and drank out the remaining hours of the night and welcomed the morning sun after a three hour wait. So, just like other of my professional stints, this also came to an crashing ending, after three month rumors, gossips and news. The notice came and again i was slated to be jobless after two weeks. The newspaper could not sustain the steep competition- It collapsed.
“When the pretty birds have flown,And you feel hurt and alone,Be strong and carry on,And remember that life goes on.” ― Mouloud Benzadi
Than it was a college. Not much memories here because it always was a part-time stint. But hell happened here also. They sold out the junior wing of the college ( the college company was in loss). But i still kept glued to its senior wing, even if that meant to finish out my time and money more than what I got from there. Deep inside I had hopes that situations will be more favorable and in that case tomorrow I might be once again on the ramp. But no avail, there always seems to be a strain that makes things bad to worst for me. The college further decided to curb down its working days. That ate my Sunday classes. And I was out of the job. poo!
Now, again after some months I hit upon a dream-job offer. Its all cool. They are fukaah in terms of pay scale, but still I like the glossy feel of the magazine and my name printed on its editorial staff– Wow! I feel like I can even work for free. I still look for a long way ahead. If I work here for some years, I will establish as a authority in the field. So, I scale up my efforts and deliver the best of me. There is no night or no day, nothing but just work and that too the best. And as usual I’m still reluctant to be patient. But this time around something new happened. One fine day, I go to this office. On my way up the office, my colleague says ” Now what will be your working days?”. I don’t understand and give him that “wtf are you asking?” looks. He turns to me and with a fried smile on his little yet clean shaved face and with no offense in his eyes says, ” ……. is closed”. Fuck!
So, up i go and confirm with the captain of this capsized boat and that son of a beach says blah blah blah. And I say him to behave like a captain whose ship sunk due to his inability. There is no effect on him because he says my job is not on the fire. But I know the speculations just kicked off, and given the trend- I know its over too, at least for me.
From the trends of these baked professional reflections and the unsaid fried personal relationships i have understood something about myself. I always look for something long term, to gain which i push and work hard and i leave no stone unturned, but it seems that destiny has a strange oddity with me because every time it root-outs my long-drive-wallaa dreams. Throughout the day I work hard and make my dream home, populate it with good people and good plans for tomorrow. In morning I find myself alone stranded at the crossroads with a hangover of broken dreams and again with the same task to make the house, populate it and to dream of having the house for myself, tomorrow also! Fuck It.
I am fast. I am impatience. I am an unconventional dreamer. And I think i loose my friends (with some exceptions) and my jobs fast, because I give them all the things in flashy speed which others would give them in years. We both get overhauled. I get overhauled with the extra work and they get overhauled with rapid delivery, maybe! So they rest for a fresh new start ( i suppose) and I too rest to dream on!