Walking Blues: The Sadistics

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Music, he realized, has the ability to produce and nurture feelings and again at times it has the power to erode and stab the freckle heart. Standing right in midst of the Sunday crowd rustling and bustling across the busy-as-fuck streets of this city, he could feel the silent melancholy within that was pushing hard to resurface. The urge was acute and it had been giving a tough fight with the resolute mind. They would have made their way, had they been able to kick in some spirits. It was done earlier also, and they had won. And in the victory of these urges to remain truthful and candid, he had lost himself. There was no way getting back into the slippery pink slope, again. Lyrics and the soft and tender piano notes perfectly blended by the soft blue-way whistle of Jealous Guy, was eroding and at the same time nurturing these urges. The crowds rustle, bustle was not able penetrate his ears; Lenon’s melancholy was blocking it all for him.
Walking alone has its benefits. You don’t have to wait or catch up with anyone. Being in a crowd or being solo is same – you are alone and on your own. Though he was not in the race, and though he had never been in the crowd, presently he was realizing that his objective of being with this insane crowd remained perplexed. His fragmented memory says, he had lofty objectives and his intuition says he should have been confident of getting them. But than he realized, that all this did not matter at all. Walking in the crowd has a benefit to walking alone. You don’t have to figure out, where the way is or where the destination is. You don’t have to care for anyone or remain indebted to anyone for being cared. He was enjoying this privilege and was being moved to somewhere. Maybe because this crowd was planning to do all his menial task, he was reclusing into the inner self and trying to figure out what went wrong, why was he feeling of doing the same wrong things.

“It’s better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone.” ― Marilyn Monroe

Stubbornness is an asset as well as drawback. He knew this and knows it well. But than again, breaking the rules that you yourself made have a kind of sadistic pleasure attached to it. This pleasure is so mingled in these feelings – pinky or non-pinky. You just do what you hate. You think of what you don’t want to think of. You look for whom you want to forget. And worst of all, you carry them all the time with you, when all you want is to walk alone —isn’t these all sadistic? When he knows that this reclusion will take him back into reclusion, why does he even breaks those simple rules- don’t get drunk and don’t get carried away. Such a simple formula—he realized once again. He has known it, he himself created it. But creating is so simple and easy when it comes to sustain and nurture it and even simple when it comes to annihilate it. There is no restore function in our real lives.

These mingling kept him involved through out the way to his working desk. It was plain. Nothing on top of it—just the usuals. The power port, the internet cable, the polished cubicle and the ‘professional smiles’ flashing all around—saying oh Hi! He wondered, if any of them knew him or his name—he did not. But again does that matter—this was again a temporary hang out. He was not going to be there forever, he knew he will not live there forever. There will be always a next stop and a next cubicle and a different signature on the paycheck. That was sufficient to keep his worldly things afloat and his inner world evolving. Like us all, he knows he had to live with it—without any hope to annihilate the feelings or to fill the bottomless hollow. If there were a bottom to it all—at least he would have hoped to live a million years to touch down the bottom and fulfil the objective of this meaningless journey, which has nothing to hold on. The program loads on the desktop, unlike the world outside, the digital-scape is beautiful with its rich pixels and its emotion-rich people. Like him, people around do have digital solution and expression for every feeling that they wont express in the virtual world—it’s a ‘digital-escape’ not scape.
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